The Harward Family: failure

Sunday, December 13, 2009

failure

Do you ever have those times in your life where you feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter how much effort you exert, no matter how much love you pour out, no matter how many prayers are offered, you just can't seem to do anything but fail? That's where I'm at.

Our morning wasn't too unusual this morning. We were all awake before 7:00 (which I wasn't thrilled about). Steven was ready of out the door by 9:30 for meetings, which left me and the kids plenty of time to get ready for church (which starts at 11:00), or so I thought. I decided to check my e-mail before I jumped in the shower, which led me to find an e-mail from Walgreen's saying I can get 25% off of their photo Christmas cards. "I'll just look really quick to see what they have". Well, at 10:00 I realized I'd better kick it into high gear, so I jumped in the shower, got dressed and ready, bathed all three kids, got them all dressed and ready, got snacks packed, and got the kids in the car and to church by 11:10. Not to mention that I lost my temper a couple times during all the madness. I got to church wanting nothing but a relief from my week, month, year actually. Wanting to feel the spirit, wanting to feel the love and reassurance that my weaknesses wouldn't ruin my kids forever.

I did feel the Spirit. I thought about our morning, how I lost my temper with the kids when they didn't obey the very first time. When they didn't do things as quickly as I wanted them too, when it took them much longer than it should have to buckle their seat belts when we were already late. But whose fault was it? I'd like to blame Walgreen's, but I'm afraid it's mine. I chose to dink around with their picture Christmas cards, when I knew I should have been getting myself and my kids ready for church. Then, when the consequences on my choice came, I expect my children to be prefect to make my life easier. I expect them to make up for where I failed. That's not fair to ask of them, I know.

The Christmas program was today. I was very grateful for the Spirit that was there. But, I couldn't help but feel like more of a failure while my kids were acting like they were monkeys who belonged in a zoo, while everyone else had kids (who I could see, or chose to notice) who sat so quietly, and politely, and lovingly next to their parents. And I got to thinking. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I can't for the life of me teach my children the things they need to know? Why can't I instill in them the fundamental principles of life that they need to know to be happy and effective people? It's not for lack of wanting or desire. I'm not sure I could believe there is a single person out there who wants more badly than me to have their children be happy, loving, kind, God-loving people. I've never wanted anything as badly in my entire life. But I can't seem to get there.

I had a longing to go to Relief Society today. But spent the whole Sunday School hour in the Primary with my 5 year old, who thinks that if I make him go to class the world will end, therefore, he has a right to throw a monstrous fit (which we avoided today because I was in there with him for a bit before I could slip out). Once I got away from him Grant was so tired I spent the whole 3rd hour in the Mother's Lounge rocking him trying to get him to sleep (which finally happened about 20 or so minutes before he woke up).

After church wasn't much better. Sometimes I'm amazed I agreed to this plan of agency. I really do wish I could just tell my kids what to do and they would do it. Wouldn't that make life so much easier? Luckily I have a testimony of the plan of salvation, so I know why things are the way they are. But honestly, it would be SO much easier!! But ease doesn't inspire growth. So, here I am. Being stretched and pulled and forced to grow and become stronger, which I really appreciate, but I feel so bad that my kids have to suffer through this with me.

I know my kids are still small. Maybe I expect too much out of them. But I can't help but see my failures in everything around me. 'If I were a better mother...' That phrase is constantly in my mind. But I also need to remember that even if I were perfect, my kids would still be able to choose if they would obey or not. I can't control their decisions. I can only do my best. I LOVED Dallin H. Oaks talk, Love and Law and feel like it offers a lot of insights on how I could be the mother that my children deserve. But I still REALLY wish I had immediate answers for the problems that arise, that I'm clueless on how to solve. I suppose that is why it is so important to remain as close to the Spirit as possible, to be able to hear those answers and promptings when they're given. I know the Lord loves my kids even more than I do. He wants me to succeed, if for no other reason than he love my kids and wants the best for them. I just wish motherhood wasn't so hard some times...

4 comments:

amy said...: Could I just copy and paste this entry over onto my blog because this is EXACTLY how I am feeling today--you really are an amazing mother and I am grateful to have someone else out there who has days like these--good thing tomorrow is a new day:); December 13, 2009 at 8:36 PM
Leah said...: I'm with Amy-grateful to know that I am not the only one who has days like this! I don't know the cure but I have some ice cream in the freezer if you want to come over for a sugar break!; December 13, 2009 at 10:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for this post! What you put in me in a nutshell. I procrastinate, then take my frustrations out on my kids when things don't turn out right. It really is my fault, not theirs. I think about this all the time. And I feel like I am constantly working at it. I am glad to know that I am not alone. You are a GREAT mother! I am a better mother for just knowing you. You inspire me. So although you had a rough day, remember all the other days when you are great!; December 14, 2009 at 2:49 PM
Searls Stuff said...: I would NEVER claim to be a good mother; but, I can say that only mothers that care feel the way you do. Hang in there!; December 14, 2009 at 10:38 PM

Come Again? History...

Today while in the kitchen making dinner, our neighbor girl, Abby, and Landon came up to the back door. Landon said "Mom, Abby said she loves me". I turned to see if Abby was embarrassed that he shared this with me. She blurts out "I just can't hold it in anymore! I think he's cute and love him and just can't hold it in ANYMORE!!" I quickly told them that they could be best friends, but that they were too young to have boyfriends/girlfriends.(much to Landon's relief and Abbys horror!) She'd have to wait until they were older. Landon slowly shook his head and said 'I knew this was going to happen! My mom tells me everyday that I'm so handsome that girls will want to be my girlfriend.'.

Tonight while I was putting the sheets on Grants bed (because he peed out of his pull-up AGAIN) Landon kept talking to Grant. I told him to say his prayers and go to sleep. For the next little while it was pretty quite in there until Landon piped in with an enthusiastic AMEN. Grant asked Landon why he said that and Landon said that he had been saying a prayer in his head. Grant replied in a sort of skeptical tone, "That's a nice story..." (Grant, age 3)

Tonight I was reminding Grant to go to the bathroom before he got in bed. He said 'I can't!' (his typical phrase when he doesn't want to do something). I told him again to go potty and he said 'But I can't! My penis doesn't have pee in it!' Can't really argue with that! (Grant, age 3)

Addie is such a super sweet girl. But she can be quite the sass! A while back we were at a resturant for my birthday and I took her into the bathroom. She picked her stall then turned to me and said 'Come in here with me!' in a very demanding voice. I told her that it was quite rude to talk to people that way and it could hurt my feelings if she talks that way to me. She said 'But you're a MOM' (like that should explain why she feels like she can just walk all over me!). I reminded her that mom's had feelings too, to which she replied, "Well, of course Mom's have feelings! Everything has feelings! Except for ghosts, doors and toilets!!' (Addie, age 5)

I have always dreaded having kids in school. Being gone from home that long, not knowing who they're talking with, what they're doing, how they're doing. I'm too much of a control freak. Anyway, it certainly has it's plus sides too. I LOVE hearing my kids read. And the other day I was telling Landon a story about someone and so I kept using words like 'he, she, they...' and he said 'WOAH Mom! That was A LOT of pronouns!' (Landon- age 7)

When both Landon and Grant get a cold, their ears tend to plug up. They fill with fluid which causes about a 40% temporary hearing loss. As a result, I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY repeating myself and yelling so they'll hear me. Lately Grant, who has a cold, will hold his little hand up to his ear and sayd 'What? Talk wowder (louder)!' It's so darn cute that it takes some of the frustration out of repeating myself a hundred times a day! (Grant 3 yrs old)

Grant is a pretty laid back kid. He rarely gets in trouble and to be honest, he isn't told 'No' that often. Lately though, he's been realizing he can be more adimate about his opinion. So, when he's told 'no' it makes him kind of mad. The other day he kept asking for something and I kept telling him no. Finally, he said in sheer frustration 'Mom! Don't say those words to me!!!!!' (Grant, 3 years old)

Grant woke me up this morning at 6:30 saying "Mom! I'm hungry. I want crunchables!' I couldn't figure out what exactly he was asking for but in some round about way I finally figured out that he wanted granola (with yogurt). I supposed 'crunchables' is a pretty good name for granola! (Grant, 3 years old)

We had the missionaries over for dinner and one of them asked Landon if he knew what the word 'restoration' meant. Landon said he didn't, so we asked if he knew what restore meant. He thought about it for a minute then said 'Oh yeah, I know what that means. Like if you steal something you have to take it back to the store. Re-store it.'

We were at Target with my mom over the Fourth of July weekend. Landon looked at me, then my mom and said 'Nana, how come you're older than my mom but my mom looks older than you?' Made Nana's day, didn't make me feel too good though!

While playing house one morning with Addie and Isaac (the boy I watch in the mornings) Landon and Isaac were hunting for food for Addie, the mom, to cook. The boys seemed to be having a contest to see who could catch the best and most food. Landon first caught a deer. Then Isaac caught a deer AND a bear. Then Landon caught a deer, and a bear, and a wolf. And it proceeded like that for a while. Finally, Landon stumped them all when he, being the excellent hunter than he is, caught 2 deer, a lion, tiger, wolf, bear, a bunch of pigs, some rabbits AND a PIONEER!!

My mom was in visiting and Landon said to her 'My mom is skinny' (he obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word, especially since I'm 6 months pregnant!) My mom then asked what she was and he said 'You're just old'. Then later he said that 'Nana isn't old, just her wrinkles are old'.

I had a doctors apointment today and had to take the kids with me. While we were waiting for the doctor to come in, Landon was playing with two little LEGO guys that happened to be in my purse (call me Mary Poppins, I have everything in there!). He was putting the LEGO men on the doctor's stool and would spin them around. Then he looked at me and said 'I bet Sheldon would LOVE this if he was here!' Sheldon is a toy stuffed elf.

Landon: Pretend you thought I was SO cool, that you wanted my autograph! Okay? Want my autograph?

Addie: Yeah, but I don't got a pen...

I was making the kids lunch a while back and Addie came downstairs to eat, took one look at her plate and said (with a bit of a whine) "Mom, why don't you ever make me STEAK?" That girl loves her meat!!

Addie tends to have a 'queeny' complex. One time she wanted me to turn a movie on for her. She sat down on the floor and I said "Addie, will you get me the remote so I can turn on your movie?" She then looked over and Landon and just stared/watched him expectantly. Then said "Wandon (she can't say her 'L's')! Get the remote!' in a very put out tone, like, can't you see I'm waiting here for you to do it? Today I was recounting this experience with my friend and Landon over heard me and said 'Mom, I think Addie was actually born in a castle and is actually a princess, but they lost their baby and she ended up at our house. That's why she's so bossy!'

Early this morning (after having breakfast with Steven)Landon was telling me that Steven didn't cuddle with him last night while I was at my quilt class. I explained to him that it was because he was on the top bunk and dad can't lay up there, AND because Addie wasn't feeling well, so she needed some extra snuggles. He told me he doesn't like it when people don't snuggle with him, that it makes him sad. So we cuddled for a while and fell back asleep. A bit later Addie had joined us in my bed, and Grant started squawking at us from his room (which means he lays in his crib and yells 'HEY YOU GUYS' which sounds like 'HEY DO DIE' (thank you older children who LOVE the Electric Company)). I told Landon we needed to ignore him because it was still too early for him to wake up (6:00 a.m.!) A couple minutes later Landon said 'Mom, remember what I told you about how I feel when people don't cuddle with me?' I said 'That it makes you sad?' He said 'Yep, I think that's how Grant is feeling because he's in there all alone.' Needless to say, by about 6:15 all three kids were in my bed and we were up for the day. (Landon-5 1/2; Addie- 3; Grant- 14 months)

Landon got up to eat breakfast with Steven this morning. After he was done he came into my room and just stood by my bed. I asked him if he needed to go potty and he said 'No, I just was sleeping, then I woke up to eat breakfast with Dad, and now....I'm standing here telling you all of this...' For some reason that cracked me up! (age 5 1/2)

Landon is currently on an antibiotic and he's not a fan of taking medicine. To make matters worse, he was having some issues in the bathroom that Pepto Bismol helps (if you get my drift) so I made him take both his antibiotic and the Pepto yesterday morning. He got SO mad and YELLED at me "WHAT?!? WAS I BORN FOR TAKING MEDICINE OR SOMETHING?!?! (age 5 1/2)

We've been enjoying some nice weather and yesterday, I was telling Landon that it would be a good day for Dad to teach him to ride a two wheeler bike. He thought for a second and said 'Um...probably not today, but I think I'll be ready tomorrow...' I wonder if he's too young to teach that 'tomorrow never comes'! (age 5 1/2)

Tonight I was telling the kids to get into bed, but to be Silent because Grant was asleep. We always tell them to be Silent like a Ninja. So I said 'Remember, be silent like a...' and Addie piped in 'E'. They've been watching too much Electric Company, where they talk about when a silent E is at the end of a word, it changes the sound of the word. We were cracking up!

Landon and Addie LOVE 'The Electric Company' on PBS. Today I overheard this:Landon: Addie, what if I was Hector and you were Jessica? Would you like that? (Hector and Jessica are a brother and sister on The Electric Company)

Addie: Yeah, and we'd go to school with no crying!

Landon: Yeah...

Addie: I wish I had clothes like Jessica and Lisa (Lisa is also on the Electric Company)

Landon: Well, we could ckeck if Walmart has them, then ask Mom to buy them for you...

Last night we were having Family Home Evening and we were talking about fighting against Satan and Addie said 'Oh, like with light sabers?' Um...not quite. (Addie-3)

Landon was telling me about a show he watched and was telling me about a funny part. I asked him where I was at while he was watching that show and he said 'Um...you were at bird watchers' I think he meant weight watchers. (Landon-5)

ME:'Addie, did you know you're beautiful?

ADDIE: 'Yeah, did you know that you are awesome?'

ME: I am?

ADDIE: Yeah, know why?

ME: Why?

ADDIE: Cause you can jump rope!

(Addie-3)

Grant is normally a very content, quite little guy. Lately though, he'll start screaming at me when he gets tired, hungry, or just wants attention. It seems like in the evening when I'm trying to make dinner, he'll start screaming, and not just a mild scream. It's a loud, blood curdling, about to blow up scream! The other day I had had enough and said 'GRANT! PLEASE stop screaming at me!!" Then Addie looked at me and said 'Mom, he's just telling you a story!' (Addie-3)

While we were in Nauvoo, Landon was riding a ride with our friend Sophie and Addie. The man controlling the ride asked Landon to lift up his arm so he cold buckle them in. Landon couldn't for the life of him understand what the guy was saying to him (I guess he was mumbling quite a bit). Finally Sophie told him what to do and Landon looked confused at her and said 'Was that guy speaking Spanish?'(Landon-5)

We were swimming in my parents pool and Addie decided to dump a cup of water on my head while I was in the pool. I pretended to be shocked and said to Landon 'Did you see what she just did to me?' Landon said 'Yeah' I said 'She just dumped water on my head!' and Landon said 'Um, mom, I said 'yeah' you don't have to tell me what she did!' Smarty-pants!

Landon saw the Bishop from our church today outside of the normal church setting. He walked up to him and said 'Are you the bishop?' The bishop said 'Yes I am.' Landon looked at him and then said 'Where did you get THOSE clothes?' I guess he thought the Bishop lived in his suit and tie!(Landon-5)

Today we were driving in the car and I could hear Addie saying the same thing over and over again. It took me a minute to figure out what she was saying then I realized she was saying 'I AM NOT TALKING LIKE A ROBOT' in a very mechanical and robotish voice. Weird girl!! (Addie-3)

Landon and Addie were listening to 'Scripture Scouts' (a CD that tells Scripture stories through song and story telling) when a song came on that was supposed to be sung by Mormon (a Book of Mormon Prophet). Landon said 'Addie, do you know who this is singing?' Addie guessed 'A Lamanite?' Landon laughed and thought he'd be helpful and give her the first part of the word and said, 'No, it sounds like Morm...Morm...Morm...' Addie was a bit confused and asked in a questioning tone 'A WORM?' I love overhearing conversations between my kids! (Landon 4; Addie-2)

Landon and his cousin Porter were playing 'Star Wars'. They were putting on a light saber show for us and Porter announced that the audience needed to sing the 'Star Wars' song while they were fighting. We were all dutifuly singing as they faught, but then stopped when we thought the show was done. They started fighting again, and Landon looked at all of us and yelled 'Sing you IDIOTS!' I looked at him sternly and told him to come to me. When he got over to he he said 'I'm sorry. I forgot the word. I meant AUDIENCE' I couldn't help but laugh then. (Landon-4)

Addie is such a 'daddy's girl'. So much so, that I think she feels unloyal to him if she's nice to me. She tends to argue with everything I say, and purposely tries to do the opposite of what I ask. Today the kids were sitting on my bed playing and I asked them to scoot over some so they wouldn't bump Grant, who was laying on the bed. Addie moved over right away, and in an effort to praise the positive behavior I said 'Good obeying Addie! You moved right away!' She quickly moved even closer to Grant than she was before and looked at me and said 'I NOT obey!' What will I ever do with this girl? (Addie-2)

Today while we were cleaning the toy room Addie had wandered off. When I called for her to come back and help, she came walking out of the kitchen, holding the dust pan and said 'What now? ... What now?' Yeah, like I work her to the bone or something! (Addie-2)

On the drive home from our trip to my parents I was helping Steven with some of his work papers and stuff while he was driving. Landon kept talking to me and I said 'Okay Landon, mom's helping dad with work so you need to be quite for a bit'. He then reaffirmed my fear of everything I do going unnoticed with he said 'Mom's don't work! They just sit on the computer!' I wish all I did all day was sit around and play on the computer!! We got a good laugh out of that! (Landon-4)

Today Landon told us a knock-knock joke he made up. It goes like this.Landon: Knock Knock.Me: Who's there?Landon: Ramses (the pharoh in Prince of Egypt, Landon's favorite movie)Me: Ramses who?Landon: RAMSES! LET MY PEOPLE GO!!Can you tell he is obsessed with the story of Moses? He always wants to watch 'Prince of Egypt' or 'The Ten Commandments' Silly kid! (Landon-4)

Today Landon was whining and crying in the car for no reason. Steven said 'Landon, you know crying isn't going to help.' and Landon replied 'Well, not crying isn't going to help either'. Good logic I guess... (Landon-4)

The other day I was in the Kitchen with the kids while they were eating lunch. Landon looked at me and said 'Mom, I'm so happy I have such a fun momma'. Those moments are rare, but worth it!! (Landon-4)

This morning Landon woke up before Addie. Landon finished his breakfast and came into the computer room and said 'Mom, guess who waked up. It the most beautiful girl. It's ADDIE!'. Too cute!(Landon-3)

We went to Nauvoo this past weekend, and when we got there it was about midnight. Landon and Addie both woke up and had a second wind. Landon decided he was hungry so he marched up to us and said 'I'm hungry... who's going to come down to the kitchen with me... I need some servants!!' (Steven promptly went down and served him (and Addie) some cereal) (Landon-3)

Landon and I were playing with his little 'Toy Story' character pieces. He was Buzz Lightyear and I was Little Bo Peep. After he saved me from falling to my death off a chair, I had Little Bo Peep kiss him and say 'My Hero!' to which he replied 'Ahhh...shucks...' (Landon-3)

While practicing the Articles of Faith with Landon, we were finishing up the second and he said 'And not for Adam's...' so we thought we'd give him a little help. I said '...trans...' and Landon quickly jumped in and said 'Oh yeah, TRANSFORMERS!' Little did we know that we won't be punished for Adam's transformers! (Landon-3)

Today on the way home from church Landon was telling us that his lesson was about feeling happy and sad and scared. Then he said 'And that baby was scared. Maybe he was scared of a ghost. Or actually, maybe he was scared of a pigeon (Landon-3)

Today we had to go to Walmart to get some general things we had run out of. When we got there, we were all hungry for lunch, so we ran into Subway. As we were eating, Landon says 'Good dinner mom' (which is his standard phrase at dinner every night) I said Thank You, then he said 'Well, Mom, you didn't make it. That guy made it, so we need to go over there and say 'Good Dinner, Sir!' (Landon-3)

Addie LOVES gum. Today, for her birthday, we got her a pack of gum. Landon was excited about it, oddly enough, and while Addie was napping, Landon decided he and Steven needed some gum. After he took the gum up to share with Steven, he came back down a bit frustrated and he looked at me and said 'Dad said no more gum. I KNEW I shouldn't have told him I wanted all that gum!' (Landon 3)

I ran to the store after I put the kids in bed, and when I came home Landon was still awake. I asked him what he was doing still awake and he said 'I thought I heard the door open and someone stomping up the stairs, so I told Dad I needed to lay in your room with him, and I thought it was the Holy Ghost coming up the stairs' Poor kid is still thoroughly confused about the whole holy ghost concept! (Landon-3)

Addie is becoming quite the sass!! Yesterday when she was playing on the couch, she wanted me to watch her trick. So she yells at me 'MOM!' Well, I was practicing the piano, so I didn't look at her, I just said 'What'. She kept yelling 'MOM' and I kept answering 'What?'. Finally she got fed up with my lack of sincerity and yelled at the top of her lungs 'SARAH!! WATCH!!'(Addie-2)

After Family Home Evening on Monday we walked down the block to our neighbors house to drop off a book, and I told Landon he could ride his bike if he wanted to. He jumped on his bike then looked at me and said 'Mom, are you sure about this?' I guess he thought it was a bit too daring or something... (Landon-3)

We went to the park today and Landon found a pine cone. He ran over to me and said 'Mom! Look, a pine cone. Now I can decorate!!' (Landon-3)

Steven, Addie, and Landon are on the bed, covered with the blankets, yelling for me (the monster) to get them. After I had 'gotten' them quite a bit, I sat down to look at my blog when Landon yells out (with a little encouragement from Steven) "WIMPY MONSTER!!" Then, I, while browsing blogs, started to sing a little song to myself, and Landon then yells 'AHHHH THE MONSTER IS SINGING!!' That wasn't very good for my self-esteem! (Landon-3)

This evening I was getting the kids ready for bed. Landon had already put his pajamas on but he didn't get his lotion on yet. So I started putting his lotion on and just rubbed some on his stomach under his shirt. As I started to put lotion on his legs, I got some on his shorts and he yelled 'MOM! You got lotion on my pants! You need to watch where you're going!' (Landon-3)

I was just explaining to Landon that we need to wear green today since it's St. Patrick's day. He said 'But I want to wear red' I told him her could wear red, but people would pinch him. Then he said 'If they pinch me, I'll PUNCH them!' I said 'Landon, that's not nice. He said 'I'm jokin'. I was just trickin' you!' (Landon-3)

Since Landon's been at my mom and dad's he won't talk to me on the phone, because he's having too much fun with Nana. Today he did talk to me for a bit though. Then he asked to talk to Addie. It was so sweet. Addie's vocabulary is pretty limited so their conversation went something like this.

L: Addie, say cereal.

A: CEREAL.

L: Addie say scriptures.

A: Scriptures

L: Addie, say shower

A: Shower

L: Addie, say book

A: Book

Landon continued to do this until he had gone through all the words Addie knew. I thought it was cute how Landon knew what words Addie knew and had her repeat him. He was just so excited to talk to her. (Landon-3; Addie-1)

The other day Landon was talking to me and I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was talking so fast. So I said 'Landon, I don't have a clue what you're talking about!' He was pretty frustrated with me and exclaimed 'Mom! You do too have a clue!!' (Landon 3 yrs old)