All Joy, and No Fun.

A week or so ago I saw the phrase 'All Joy and No Fun'. And realized, that phrase explains exactly how I feel about motherhood in this specific moment in my life. I feel like my life is full of joy. I am grateful that I have the four children that I have. I can not imagine getting more joy from doing anything else. However, there isn't really any aspect of this 'job' that I find fun.

Look at little Addie!  (pic taken in 2010)

I don't think it's very fun to cook for my family. I almost always have at least 2 kids who are complaining about what I made. Dinner time is the most inconvenient time of day. And I can't for the life of me get my act together enough to make it ahead of time. Plus, all the work and effort that goes into other meals. And grocery shopping, and menu planning so they'll have a somewhat healthy meal. I'm over it.

And toothless little Landon! (also taken in 2010)

Cleaning the house is no fun at all. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle. I have 5 other people in this house who make messes faster than I can clean them (Steven isn't that messy, but he's not here most of the day, so the majority of the cleaning is on me). And really, no one thinks 'It might make Mom's job easier if I do {blank}'. And I have to turn into a raging lunatic for anyone to take me serious. Then they look at me like I've totally over reacted and I swear they probably whisper about my unstable state behind my back. We've finally implemented 'Zone Defense'. We've divided the house into 3 major zones (dishwasher/dinner clean up; living room; and bathrooms/stairs). Each week a child is assigned a zone and they're responsible for doing that zone, and their bedrooms, every day. Now, of course, they won't do it unless I tell them to. But when I tell them, they're doing it, and not complaining too much. I am hoping that at some point before they grow up and leave the house, they'll be able to pick up things without being told directly. 

Homework is zero fun. I swear that my kids take turns making homework miserable for me. The time I feel like the biggest failure as a mom is when I'm trying to stay patient while helping my kids with homework. I notice that they give up too easily, and realize I should teach them to stick with things. I notice that they get distracted and won't stay focused, and realize I should direct them better so they can focus better. I notice that they get angry about having to do things they don't want to, and I realize that I need to develop a better work ethic in them. I mean, really, it's bad. And unpleasant. And totally Un-fun!

Never having personal space (physically and mentally) is really no fun. I feel so jealous of Steven's commute into work. I mean, really. How pathetic is that? I feel jealous that he get's to be in a car, without children talking to him for a little bit every day. Oh, to have the mental clarity of thinking something without kids interrupting your thoughts. To sit, and not be touched, or demanded of. It just sounds like the most perfect thing ever. I stay up WAY to late at night, because I feel like if I don't get some personal time I might go completely crazy. However, I am always tired because I don't allow myself to get enough sleep. No fun!

It's no fun at all to feel the anxiety I feel about trying to raise these precious children to be responsible happy adults. I have no clue if how I'm parenting is the right way. I have no clue if I'm doing more good or more harm. I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm winging it.

I might sound like the worst mom ever, but I don't think it's very fun playing with my kids. Playing Uno with Grant during quiet time is not fun. He likes it, but I'd much rather read my book. Playing super heros? Not fun. Playing barbies or polly pockets? Not fun. I do it because they want me to, not because I enjoy it a ton. And the mother guilt always tells me that if I were a good mom, I'd love playing with them. But to be honest, playing Barbies was so 25 years ago.

But for some odd reason I do get a lot of joy out of my life. I am so thankful that I get to stay home with them so I can experience life with them. I'm grateful to have a husband who values what I do. I'm grateful to know the eternal importance of what I do. And while it's not fun, and I get very frustrated, and feel unappreciated by these little people who control my life, I do get a lot of joy out of being a mom. And wouldn't want to do anything else (most of the time). And I guess that's the point in life. To find joy. And I've found it.